Articles | The Alliston Gerald

Faux Movember: Man With Bad Mustache Mistaken For Person Trying To Fundraise For Men's Health Issues

theallistongerald

Nov 191 min read

Faux Movember: Man With Bad Mustache Mistaken For Person Trying To Fundraise For Men's Health Issues

A local man recently learned he's been indispensable to the fight against men’s health issues simply by going about his life with what he...

Never In Our ‘Wildest Dreams’: Alliston Plumbing Company Sees Business Boom After Eras Tour-Themed House Calls

theallistongerald

Nov 102 min read

Never In Our ‘Wildest Dreams’: Alliston Plumbing Company Sees Business Boom After Eras Tour-Themed House Calls

ALLISTON—Following a prompt from the local business-improvement association, a group of local plumbers are hoping to attract the...

CUTE: Parents Of Five-Month-Old Believed They Would Sleep Additional Hour On Daylight Savings

theallistongerald

Nov 21 min read

CUTE: Parents Of Five-Month-Old Believed They Would Sleep Additional Hour On Daylight Savings

ALLISTON—-A local couple recently learned their five-month-old is either unaware of or non-compliant with the tradition of setting back...

Homeowners Who Keep Giant Skeleton On Lawn Year Round Entering Time Of Year When They Look Normal

theallistongerald

Oct 272 min read

Homeowners Who Keep Giant Skeleton On Lawn Year Round Entering Time Of Year When They Look Normal

ALLISTON—Why does a massive skeleton statue remain year-round on its owner's front lawn? Neighbours speculate that the residents of the...

Conspiracy-Minded Uncles of New Tecumseth To Hold Emergency Meeting To Workshop Material Before Thanksgiving

theallistongerald

Oct 123 min read

Conspiracy-Minded Uncles of New Tecumseth To Hold Emergency Meeting To Workshop Material Before Thanksgiving

The paranoid, apocalyptic musings of middle-aged men have long been the centerpiece of many Southern Ontarian Thanksgivings, but has...

Kids In Alliston Park Who Hacked Moldovan Central Bank And Destabilized Economy Just Being Kids

theallistongerald

Oct 52 min read

Kids In Alliston Park Who Hacked Moldovan Central Bank And Destabilized Economy Just Being Kids

ALLISTON—-A group of local ruffians are accused of vandalism, unruly conduct, and destabilizing the Moldovan economy through a series of...

Ontario Government Looking For Creative Ways To Make HWY 401 More Closely Resemble Hell

theallistongerald

Sep 271 min read

Ontario Government Looking For Creative Ways To Make HWY 401 More Closely Resemble Hell

After tabling a plan to build a section of Highway 401 underground, the Ford government is on the hunt for additional ways in which the...

Company That Owns Formula One plans Amateur-Level Race, “Douchebags On Country Roads”: Scouts Find Massive Talent Pool Around Tottenham

theallistongerald

Sep 202 min read

Company That Owns Formula One plans Amateur-Level Race, “Douchebags On Country Roads”: Scouts Find Massive Talent Pool Around Tottenham

A new automotive race is set to make its livestream, television and world debut this Spring, but it's not what viewers are used to....

Grocery-Store Trading Cards The Best Thing Since Affordable Groceries

theallistongerald

Sep 132 min read

Grocery-Store Trading Cards The Best Thing Since Affordable Groceries

A leaked email from the head office of an unnamed grocery-story chain reveals a heated debate took place about whether to lower the cost...

TikTok Is Losing Its Mind Over This Meatless Bacon Made From 100% Recycled Water Bottles

theallistongerald

Sep 62 min read

TikTok Is Losing Its Mind Over This Meatless Bacon Made From 100% Recycled Water Bottles

Alliston, Ontario—Young people on the popular video-sharing platform, TikTok, are jumping on the newest trend based on a brand of...

Local Man: “Dropping My Daughter Off At University Is The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done Other Than Freeing Up Storage On My Email”

theallistongerald

Aug 302 min read

Local Man: “Dropping My Daughter Off At University Is The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done Other Than Freeing Up Storage On My Email”

A local man has gone public about his struggle to accept his eldest daughter moving away for university. Danny Morrison penned a social...

theallistongerald

Aug 232 min read

For A Limited Time If You Go To Cool Moose Creamery And Say, "The Alliston Gerald Sent Me," They'll Have No Idea What You're Talking About

For a limited time if you go to Cool Moose Creamery and say, "The Alliston Gerald sent me," they'll have no idea what you're talking...

TOUGH TIMES: Suffering Economy Forces Local Man To Downgrade Truck Nuts From Metal To Plastic

theallistongerald

Aug 162 min read

TOUGH TIMES: Suffering Economy Forces Local Man To Downgrade Truck Nuts From Metal To Plastic

EVERETT, ONTARIO-Citing his poor financial situation, Derek Dross has gone public with his decision to remove the bull balls decoration...

Does Life Get Any Better Than Vomiting In The Beer Garden Of Your Town’s Vegetable-Themed Festival? Definitely

theallistongerald

Aug 92 min read

Does Life Get Any Better Than Vomiting In The Beer Garden Of Your Town’s Vegetable-Themed Festival? Definitely

ALLISTON, ONTARIO—-Some of Sean Dougall’s earliest memories consuming alcohol in public took place at his hometown’s annual...

Developer Who Promised Parkette Over A Decade Ago Hoping Town Will Settle For Trampoline In Niece's Backyard On Weekends When Children At Their Dad's

theallistongerald

Aug 22 min read

Developer Who Promised Parkette Over A Decade Ago Hoping Town Will Settle For Trampoline In Niece's Backyard On Weekends When Children At Their Dad's

A parcel of land slated to to be a parkette for the residents of a Beeton subdivision sits empty to this day. While initial plans were...

International Thrill Seekers Descend Upon Beeton Bridge

theallistongerald

Jul 262 min read

International Thrill Seekers Descend Upon Beeton Bridge

BEETON, ONTARIO—A group of adrenaline junkies have recently discovered a small wooden bridge in a rural corner in the town of New...

You Could Save A Couple Minutes On Your Drive If You Would Only Hear Me Out For The Next Half Hour (Guest Column By Your Dad)

theallistongerald

Jul 192 min read

You Could Save A Couple Minutes On Your Drive If You Would Only Hear Me Out For The Next Half Hour (Guest Column By Your Dad)

If you're leaving Tottenham for Alliston and it's anywhere near one of the times of day when you could get a train, take the third line...

"An Off-Leash Chicken Park Per Town": Backyard-Chickens Lobby Hatching Plans For New Tecumseth

theallistongerald

Jul 122 min read

"An Off-Leash Chicken Park Per Town": Backyard-Chickens Lobby Hatching Plans For New Tecumseth

The Alliston Gerald has recently learned of a top-secret lobby preparing to run pro-backyard chicken candidates in the 2026 municipal...

Should We Be Asked To Tip A Vending Machine?

theallistongerald

Jul 52 min read

Should We Be Asked To Tip A Vending Machine?

NEW TECUMSETH REC CENTRE, ALLISTON—-A local vending machine is drawing the ire and praise of patrons after a message prompting customers...

Man With Cottage In Muskoka Popular Again

theallistongerald

Jun 292 min read

Man With Cottage In Muskoka Popular Again

For the first time since late last summer, Matthew Hastings, who inherited a cottage in Muskoka several years ago, has an active and...