theallistongerald
Beeton To Rebrand As “Venice of Simcoe County”
The town of Beeton and a local business owners’ collective have proposed the town make efforts to shift its public image from “quaint...
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THE ALLISTON GERALD
theallistongerald
Jun 202 min read
Local Teenager Looking Forward To Do-Nothing Summer After Strenuous Do-Nothing School Year
A local high school student is hoping for some reprieve this July and August after a school year that saw him put all his energy and free...
theallistongerald
Jun 132 min read
Local Community Critical Of School-Age Child's Father's Day Card Containing Bias, Factual Inaccuracies
BARRIE, ONTARIO—A local school-age child has recently come under fire after he brought home a Father’s Day card claiming he had the...
theallistongerald
Jun 82 min read
Governor General Names Tottenham ‘Whiny Middle Child Of New Tecumseth’
After reviewing recent census data, climate surveys, and ‘skimming through a few community Facebook groups,’ Mary Simon, the...
theallistongerald
Jun 22 min read
Financial Advisor Recommends Week In Vegas As Cheaper Alternative For Resolving Conflicts Between Members Of Council, CAO
After recent accusations of harassment levelled at members of New Tecumseth Town Council cost the town $190,000 in legal and...
theallistongerald
May 262 min read
Earn A Competitive Wage, Benefits And A Pension Doing Something We're Not Yet Ready To Tell You About
Have your social insurance number and banking information ready. Your online interview could begin as soon as right now! Currently...
theallistongerald
May 222 min read
EDITORIAL: Tornado Warnings Are Destroying The Economy And Creating A New World Order
A recent tornado warning has many people heading indoors to protect themselves and their families from a deadly threat. Does this sound...
theallistongerald
May 162 min read
Criminal Activity In New Tecumseth Skyrocketing According To Sources In Community Facebook Group
Criminal activity in New Tecumseth appears to be skyrocketing. The sole factor preventing unanimous consensus is all of the available...
theallistongerald
May 94 min read
An Alliston Group Of Volunteers Wants Your Help With Purchasing This Asthmatic Skunk's Heart Medication
ALLISTON, ONTARIO—What started as a post on Facebook has gained traction as a grassroots movement for wildlife security. When Nancy...
theallistongerald
May 22 min read
ALL OPTIONS ON THE TABLE: Town Considering 'Sponsor a Beetonian' Fundraiser To Deliver Household Water To Residents Of Future Subdivision
For the price of a daily cup of coffee, you could soon provide a future resident of Beeton with potable water. Ever since a residential...
theallistongerald
Apr 252 min read
New Tecumseth Unveils Indoor Pool After Admin Building Saga Revealed To Be Massive Prank
ALLISTON, ONTARIO—A new administration building has been at the centre of heated debate for the better part of a decade in the township...
theallistongerald
Apr 191 min read
Tottenham Named Greatest Place On Earth By 'Pizza and Weed Magazine'
TOTTENHAM—After decades of being snubbed by best-of lists of every kind, Tottenham recently earned the title of ‘Greatest Place On...
theallistongerald
Apr 162 min read
Parents of Young Children Recklessly Try 'Forty-Minute Caffeine Detox'
ALLISTON, ONTARIO-Young parents are experimenting with a health fad that has people spending tens of minutes without consuming any...
theallistongerald
Apr 102 min read
THE NITROGEN TAX: How This Prominent Think Tank Recommends Canada Solve 'The Other Man-Made Gas Problem'
SCHOMBERG, ONTARIO—Canadians are reacting to a new proposal from a federal policy research group that advocates for a new tax to...
theallistongerald
Apr 22 min read
Young Mom Torn As Once-In-A-Generation Eclipse To Occur At Same Time As Equally Rare Opportunity To Nap
NIAGARA FALLS—A mother of three is seeking input from the public as an unlikely confluence of events has her children at various outings...
theallistongerald
Mar 292 min read
Leaked Trudeau Memo Urges Caution Around April Fools' Day
LORETTO, ONTARIO—A confidential memo from the Trudeau government surfaced Thursday in a rural Ontario hamlet, sources indicate. The...
theallistongerald
Mar 243 min read
Area Man Believes He May Have Eaten Easter Bunny
EVERETT, ONTARIO—A local man claims he has reasonable cause to believe he may have accidentally hunted, cooked, and consumed the animal...
theallistongerald
Mar 162 min read
ST. PATRICK'S DAY ADVICE: 20 Ways To Avoid The Guy Who Makes Irish Ancestry His Entire Personality
Dear Alliston Gerald, There’s this guy I work with who is constantly bringing up his Irish heritage. I believe one of his mother’s...
theallistongerald
Mar 112 min read
In Bizarre Turn Of Events, Driver of Ford F-150 An Okay Person
BARRIE, ONTARIO—While allegations are unproven in court and all testimonies at this time remain anecdotal, one local man alleges he...
theallistongerald
Mar 33 min read
Heartwarming: Neighbourhood Rallies Together To Keep Kids Walking To School On Road
TOTTENHAM—-In a recent petition, members of the Tottenham community asked town council to reconsider a proposal to have sidewalks placed...
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