Area Man Believes He May Have Eaten Easter Bunny

EVERETT, ONTARIO—A local man claims he has reasonable cause to believe he may have accidentally hunted, cooked, and consumed the animal popularly known as the Easter Bunny some five days ago. The rabbit, he asserts, was not in a house at the time of the shooting but was hopping through a wooded area. The man now thinks it possible it was travelling between residential areas, perhaps even scouting out possible routes for Easter. 

But what makes this hunter so convinced that a rabbit found out of doors in rural Ontario is anything out of the ordinary?

“Well, as the rabbit died, there was this poof of rainbow confetti that turned grey and then black as it disintegrated into the air. So there’s one that doesn’t happen with ordinary rabbits when you shoot them. I mean, in hindsight, anything magical really should have been my first clue,” the man, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Alliston Gerald. “And the fact that it was wearing this quaint little cardigan also seems important. And finally, upon reflection, I realize that as the rabbit was dying told me in plain English that he forgave me for shooting him…If only I could forgive myself.”

The man also mentioned being on “thin ice with the missus.” His wife was reportedly quite upset and scolded him for possibly ruining Easter for a billion or so children, including their own.

The toll on the man’s mental health does not appear small. Dreams of the Easter Bunny reportedly begin moments after falling asleep and last until he awakes in a cold sweat, sometimes only minutes later. 

“I keep having these dreams,” he told our reporters,” where suddenly I’m growing these big buck teeth, and then I get bouncy little legs and floppy ears. All of these little animals of the forest convince me to become the new Easter Bunny. It’s like, I killed it, so I have to become it.”

“Call it Tim Allen syndrome,” senior psychologist, Jeff Vesco, told sources. “In The Santa Clause, Tim Allen accidentally kills Santa Claus and is called upon to replace him. The main question is experiencing a phenomenon in which an individual feels compelled to sacrifice himself as reparation for his crime.” 

Speaking of Santa Claus, the individual also believes he may have received a text message from the very same. 

“Well, I’ve told practically no one about this, and yet I get this screenshot on my phone of a Google Doc titled “Naughty List,” and all the names are blurred out except for one name, and it’s mine.” The man appeared noticeably agitated as he spoke about the subject. “I mean, he’s probably watching me right now from some kind of magical snow globe. Everyone knows he can do that. It’s terrifying.” 

He alleges that more of the Easter Bunny’s friends could be “out for blood.” Three nights ago he found a death threat that he believes was penned by none other than the Tooth Fairy. 

“It was under my pillow, so it was either her or my wife,” the man told the Alliston Gerald. 

Still, the man remains hopeful that the rabbit may prove not to have been the Easter Bunny. 

“Maybe there’s been some kind of mistake or it was just one of his helpers or an understudy,” the guilt-stricken man suggested. “Maybe Easter will happen across the world and it’ll be like, woah, false alarm. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I’ll tell you one thing. If I wake up and there’s chocolate all around our house. I will feel as happy as a kid on Easter morning.”