Company That Owns Formula One plans Amateur-Level Race, “Douchebags On Country Roads”: Scouts Find Massive Talent Pool Around Tottenham

A new automotive race is set to make its livestream, television and world debut this Spring, but it's not what viewers are used to. Formula One has announced it will be trialing an all new, "Douchebags of Country Roads" series, which will feature drivers completing a loop entirely on country roads while tailgating, honking, and unnecessarily revving their engines.

Early scouting efforts have revealed a massive talent pool exists in the New Tecumseth area, and especially anywhere in and around Tottenham, Ontario. 

"We can't believe it, really," Sam Davidson, the chief scouting agent told the Alliston Gerald. "Think about what Canada is for the hockey scouting market or what South America represents for soccer. We believe Tottenham, Ontario is about equivalent in the douchebags-on-country-roads market."

Believing to have struck gold, many prospective team sponsors have deployed teams of talent scouts to the region, patrolling the roads for soon-to-be rising stars of the sport that's getting buzz all over social media. 

"I was driving about ten over the speed limit on what’s called the Tecumseth/Adjala Townline when a car came inches from my back bumper with his high beams on at 11:30am on a Saturday. Before I could get a license plate or signal him to pull over to talk contracts, he had passed me while driving up a hill and disappeared completely," Rory Halliday, a scout for GM, reported. "It felt like I had the fish of a lifetime on my line and I let it get away. I'll be thinking about that moment for the rest of my life." 

Halliday claims letting the driver get away is only the latest iteration of a family curse to have wreaked havoc on the Halliday family, three generations of whom have been talent scouts.

"My grandmother went into labour with my father the night my grandfather was supposed to sign Wayne Gretsky. My father, in turn, had food poisoning the night he was supposed to sign Michael Jordan. He vomited all over his papers and Jordan signed with someone else," Halliday explained. "And so I am both sad and proud to admit that I, too, have missed a great one. I witnessed the douchiest country-road driver when he was still in the minors–the roads of New Tecumseth–and I let him get away.”

Industry experts believe that a mix of vast farm fields, open country roads, and a portion of the population with little to no regard for public safety has created the perfect conditions for the sport.  

"It's all about competition and learning from others," Max Folley, a recently signed prospect confessed. "If I hadn't passed my friend, Matteo, driving eighty in a forty over train tracks with my windows still foggy it's pretty unlikely he would have passed me again through a red light into town with snow blocking all three mirrors while watching Tiktoks, so I mean, it's all about building a learning community."