The paranoid, apocalyptic musings of middle-aged men have long been the centerpiece of many Southern Ontarian Thanksgivings, but has their recent fifteen minutes of limelight left them with fewer fresh ideas to take on tour this October? An Alliston Gerald reporter risked his well-being, afternoon, and sanity to find out the lead ideas while attending a meeting of the Conspiracy-minded Uncles of New Tecumseth, who, for unexplained reasons, refuse to use an acronym.
While the group of local uncles appreciate their core beliefs finally reaching a wider audience, many fear their holiday monologues will not be as provocative as in previous years.
“Listen, our role is to push the envelope,” Robert Gringham, the chairperson and chapter president of the Uncles, said in his opening remarks. “But how am I supposed to do that when everyone already knows Joe Biden secretly died last month after refusing to sign a secret bill to create hurricanes in red states under the supervision of prominent Satanist, Taylor Swift, and Fidel Castro’s illegitimate son, Justin Trudeau?”
Gringham argues the internet is making it more difficult to open people’s eyes a little wider. It was only last week when his niece proved to him that the only person powerful enough to have stopped P. Diddy from having Aaliyah, Aaron Carter and Whitney Houston assassinated was Michael Jackson.
“Of course, I’m proud of her for doing her own research and coming to her own conclusions,” Gringham told the Alliston Gerald. “But I worry that if nieces overtake uncles as key researchers in this field, young women may be taken in by greedy charlatans hellbent on wasting their time, energy and money…and that’s why I called this meeting.”
In only a short span, the group agreed to prepare for Sunday’s turkey dinner by curating a more refined gallery of unpopular truths that would usher in a new era of waking up the Sheeple.
“Our first thought was, ‘What’s the bigger picture the lamestream woke media is covering up?’” Karl Newson, an electrician and amateur climatologist, said after the meeting. “So we were zooming out into the cosmos.”
The uncles got to work on their phones and quickly found a supernova imploding several million years earlier than anticipated in Centaurus A on a date that fell on the Chinese lunisolar calendar—an obvious link to the CCP.
“As important as that work is, our nieces and nephews need to know their own backyards,” Newsom elaborated. “So we worked in silence for a solid three or four minutes and uncovered what we feel is an unbeatable lineup of uncomfortable realities to bring to light over pumpkin pie…and let me tell you, they hit close to home.”
At the time of publication, The Alliston Gerald had uncovered five of the seventeen theories of the Conspiracy-minded Uncles of New Tecumeth’s main roster. If any members of the public become aware of further theories, they are asked to contact the Alliston Gerald.
The swans in the Tottenham pond are Russian satellites.
The motorcyclist riding around town with a bunny helmet is Jagmeet Singh.
Recent Aurora Borealis sightings are due to a failed Illuminati experiment originating at the Beeton Honey Festival.
The Alliston Gerald is run by an AI created by a disgruntled ex-Alliston Herald employee currently residing in Venezuela.
All members of New Tecumseth Town Council replaced themselves with lifelike automata in order to watch NHL games undisturbed in Barnstormer’s secret basement.
Brilliant