Financial Advisor Recommends Week In Vegas As Cheaper Alternative For Resolving Conflicts Between Members Of Council, CAO

After recent accusations of harassment levelled at members of New Tecumseth Town Council cost the town $190,000 in legal and administrative fees, the town commissioned a financial advisor to determine whether another method may be used to mediate future conflicts. Rowan Scrivener, the analyst responsible for the investigation, reported the town would have saved considerable money if the members of council and CAO had simply taken a week-long, expenses-paid trip to Las Vegas.

Though many reacted negatively upon its release, few had a problem with the report’s findings after people began to see the savings a boozy, gambling-filled getaway to Vegas would have brought to the town.

“I’m having a hard time imagining these men going to Vegas for a week and coming back still mad at each other,” Larry Hines, a local man unrelated to the story, told the Alliston Gerald. “A few rounds of Black Jack over cocktails and they would have buried the hatchet.”

Scrivener’s report demonstrated that, even if the men ate out twice a day, went on outings, purchased hourly drinks, stayed in separate rooms, and used room service daily, the cost would still be well under $190,000.

“And if that didn’t grease the wheels on a few apologies, my Google Sheets spreadsheet shows they could have further bonded over losing $10K in a single round of roulette,” Scrivener added.

Even if the group were to have accidentally left a wad of cash on a table at a restaurant never to be found, and that cash happened to total $15,000, the report still suggests the Vegas option would be better for taxpayers. 

Claudette Fernandez, an arbitrator and expert mediator, agrees with Scrivener’s findings, believing greater losses would help facilitate a mending of fences between the men. 

“Adversity and shared guilt are actually expedient means of hastening reconciliation,” She noted. “Much like Hamlet and Laertes “exchange forgivenesses” as both lay dying, the group of men could have exchanged forgivenesses as they, perhaps, collectively vomited out of a taxi at 4 AM.”

This report even lays out several ‘unexpected scenarios’ wherein the men might ‘incur additional costs. One such scenario, described in vivid hypothetical detail, outlines the affordability of one man accidentally dropping his wedding ring down the drain while cleaning vomit from his hand. The budget would even cover the costs of taking the necessary time to travel around the city, find a similar ring, purchase the ring, adjust the size, and even miss their flights home. The numbers show that even this scenario would not outweigh the costs currency levied on the town even if the men completed the errands in rented Elvis Presley costumes. 

“We’ve got a masterpiece of financial analysis here,” an employee of the town commented. “It was worth every penny of the $45,000 we spent on it.”