“Forty’s The New Twenty,” Says Delusional Aging Person

BEETON, Ontario—-Sources indicate that a man on the verge of turning forty told a group of friends that he was similar, if not the same as, a twenty-year-old. While the man claimed to have received unanimous congratulations after making his statement, witnesses described experiencing feelings of deep pity and disgust shortly thereafter.

“A hundred years ago, you had to settle down, start adulting, be, you know, washed-up and boring,” Matt McKinnon told reporters. “But now forty is actually the new twenty.”

One of McKinnon’s closest friends who wished to remain anonymous indicated that he had made attempts to talk sense into his friend. The interaction is said to have put a strain on the friendship.

“I told him, ‘No it’s not. Twenty is still twenty. Forty is forty. That’s all right where it always was.’ Why on earth would they change? Is twenty the new zero? The whole thing’s so idiotic.”

People close to McKinnon say that, in spite of owning his own Tim Horton’s franchise, he’s been living off Mr. Noodles while he awaits the results of college applications. He is also said to have broken things off with long-time girlfriend, Nancy Rose, due to her age.

“I’m kind of glad, actually,” Rose told the Alliston Gerald. “Matt had had me thinking he was this sensible, respectable person, and I see now how insane that was. I’d like to say he’s going through a mid-life crisis, but I can’t see this being only the halfway point for someone clearly so stupid.”

When reporters showed photographs of McKinnon on his thirty-ninth birthday to strangers selected at random, they described him as a man in his early or even mid-forties. According to McKinnon, that’s not quite right.

“I look the part. A lot of people are jealous, but they don’t use tretinoin or jade rollers like I do. The other day, actually, I was going over the border and the officer ID’d me. I said, ‘Well, forty’s the new twenty’ and he looked at me and proceeded to ask this long series of questions. I was like, ‘you do you, pal.’”

At press time, McKinnon was on his way to be fitted for a new suit, citing his belief that “5’9 is the new six foot.”