Governor General Names Tottenham ‘Whiny Middle Child Of New Tecumseth’

After reviewing recent census data, climate surveys, and ‘skimming through a few community Facebook groups,’ Mary Simon, the Governor-General of Canada, commissioned a statement declaring Tottenham, Ontario ‘the middle child of New Tecumseth’ to be read at the next council meeting.

Many town residents feel Mary Simon’s declaration was uncalled for and are circulating a petition demanding she repeal it. 

“How much longer did it take us to get the same Georgian Bay water Alliston and Beeton already had? And how much longer will it take for us to get public transit?” Anthony O’Leary, a resident of forty years, asked. 

Holding the office of the federal representative to King Charles III, any such decrees made by Simon become officially binding from the moment of their proclamation. The town office is still trying to determine what significance, if any, the statement holds. 

“We want to stay on the sunny side of the law,” one anonymous town employee told the Alliston Gerald. “So we’ve been reaching out to her office and asking, ‘are we to carry on as usual or should we change the sign as you enter Tottenham?’ 

Welcome To Tottenham, The Whiny Middle Child Of New Tecumseth'

While most believe a change to the sign is unrealistic, some believe the statement was fair and have applauded the governor general for her accuracy. 

“Tottenham’s always reminded me of Jan Brady from the Brady Bunch. You know, the one who says, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.’” Phil Jacobs said to our reporter. “It’s like hey, Tottenham, no. We love you. You have three grocery stores, a rec centre, the conservation area, a state-of-the-art maker's space in your library, and you have the least asbestos-y high school in New Tecumseth. You’re doing okay.”

Sources close to the governor-general believe that early next year there is a strong likelihood that Beeton, Ontario will be declared “New Tecumseth’s spoiled baby of the family.”