International Thrill Seekers Descend Upon Beeton Bridge

BEETON, ONTARIO—A group of adrenaline junkies have recently discovered a small wooden bridge in a rural corner in the town of New Tecumseth. The bridge was actually designed as a functional piece of equipment for people to drive over.

“I’ve been here about three days now,” Herschel Zeingard, a tourist visiting the site, told reporters. “I’ve done Kilimanjaro. I’ve bungee jumped in Dubai, and I skydive every third Wednesday, but nothing’s like driving over this bridge.”

The wooden bridge, which has been a source of debate in the past, now plays host to a revolving door of domestic and international travellers. Many in the surfing and snowboarding communities come from near and far to “ride the curve” on what one wooden bridge specialist is calling “the most convincing replica of the kind of bridge that pre-dates modern safety standards.” 

Alex Flanigan, a recovering energy-drink and video-game addict, was timid at first. He heard friends talking about the wooden bridge outside Beeton, but he didn’t want to get sucked in. After experimenting with going over it late one night, he had this to say: “I now feel everything prior to this was a gateway to the wooden bridge.There’s the thrill of the ascent, the thrill of the peak, and the thrill of not know whether the cars in oncoming traffic will yield.”

“I was this close to buying a Corvette,” said Mark Hines, a man in his fifties reportedly grappling with a mid-life crisis. “But on the way to the dealership I drove over this bridge and experienced exactly what I was looking for.”

Shortly after Hines began frequenting the Beeton Bridge, he discovered an email his wife wrote town council, pleading with them not to ever change the bridge because it was “the most affordable way of helping her husband work through his midlife crisis.” 

***Non-satirical note for those new to the area*** Stay safe on the ninth-line bridge outside of Beeton. Slow down to listen for on-coming traffic and yield if you are not there first. Don’t speed as you approach the bridge.