Kids In Alliston Park Who Hacked Moldovan Central Bank And Destabilized Economy Just Being Kids

ALLISTON—-A group of local ruffians are accused of vandalism, unruly conduct, and destabilizing the Moldovan economy through a series of ransomware attacks on their central bank, but some say this is simply the latest generation’s way of getting up to mischief. 

“Sure, we’d prefer kids to spend their time volunteering at Procyon Wildlife Rehabilitation and Education Centre,” Julian Mitchell, a self-proclaimed expert on young people, told reporters. “But didn’t we all play nicky-nicky-nine-doors as kids, and wasn’t that our generation’s version of cyberterrorism?” 

The people of Moldova, some of whom took to the streets Thursday night to throw garbage cans through bank windows, have not yet been contacted for commentary on the developing story. 

One of the alleged miscreants, who cannot be named due to a publication ban, is also charged with a racketeering scheme that saw seniors lose their pensions. Jeniffer Howe, a local thought-leader whose family was unaffected by the scam, believes punitive measures will not address the problem. 

“What do you expect when kids have nothing else to do in this town?” Howe told the Alliston Gerald. “If you want to stop ransomware attacks, what we need is a better skatepark.”

The young people carried out the cyberattacks from Riverdale Park, a large play area where parents like to bring pre-school and elementary school-aged children. One parent had this to say:

“There are worse things than working hard at something, learning a pliable trade, and studying the international monetary system,” she told reporters. “Plus, they’re no longer vaping in my kid’s face, writing “UR POO” on the playground, or climbing up the wrong way on the slide.” 

At the time of publication, an anonymous donation from Eastern Europe had been received for the upgrading of a new skateboard park in town.