Town Council and SCDSB Vote To Rebuild Banting Memorial High School In Manitoba

ALLISTON, ONTARIO—After years of deliberation, the Town Council of New Tecumseth and the Simcoe County District School Board have come to a resolution over the location of a new secondary school for the youth of Alliston.

“Guided by extensive consultation with the public and years of deliberation, we’ve finally landed on an option we believe keeps everyone’s best interest at heart,” Justin Brochner, a spokesperson for the SCDSB, told the Alliston Gerald. “And that location is in Northern Manitoba.” 

While building another school in downtown Alliston had been the town council’s preferred option, finding a location that could accommodate the school’s large student population while remaining on budget proved more difficult than anticipated. The next best option was to build the school on the farm homestead of the school’s namesake, Sir Frederick Banting, one of the scientists responsible for the discovery of insulin. 

“The homestead location is on the northern border of Alliston, fairly far away from any amenities,” a town employee told reporters. “It would have been more affordable and would have the space we needed, so we nearly broke ground there. But then, someone suggested we go all the way. If we’ll settle for that location, why not move it only a little more north and several thousand kilometers west?”

Edward McNabb, a local man who attended a town hall meeting about the project, claims to have come up with the idea. “Well, I told them, land prices have gotten out of whack here, but get out West and it’s fine. Heck, out in Manitoba every kid would have their own football field,” McNabb told reporters before noting that most of the year would be too cold for football.

When other attendees of the meeting pointed out the move's negative impact on local business, McNabb argued that Alliston’s businesses should also consider Manitoba. He added that each business that agreed to move provinces could have its own football field. In a surprise outcome, the SCDSB and New Tecumseth town council agreed with him.

"There's still quite a bit left unresolved," said Henry Gibson, a teacher at the school. "But, hey, these two groups finally came together and accomplished something. It just goes to show: if you put enough time, money and resources into something that can't possibly ever please everyone, eventually you'll get a result that makes absolutely no sense."

At the time of press release, the two parties had not established how Alliston students would access the school, but were pitching the idea of offering a Manitoban football field to each family willing to relocate.